How Does It Feel To Be Different From Me?

It’s times like this that I miss you the most.

The cold lonely nights at 3am.

It seems just like yesterday that I felt that you were here.

The warmth of your embrace, your body next to mine

I close my eyes as you gently slide your fingers to hold
mine.

Holding me like you would never let me go.

Giving me the best feeling that even sight couldn’t
comprehend.

As I fall asleep slowly by your side.

It’s times like this that I try not to open my eyes,

For I fear that you would just disappear into thin air, just
like a dream.

And sometimes I wonder if you felt the same.

If only I know who you are.

If only I know.

Give it a thought, go search the heart and find what happened inside.
Lying to the mind that the wound isn’t there and there’s always hope.
Even with the big horrid cut with additional deep stabs around it, so obvious.
Will it ever heal or would the wounds get infected more.
Look deeper inside and ponder more, would hoping really help?
Hoping for anything that would not let your wounds slowly kill you.
Instead, as day by day passes, emptiness wipes the fears, hurts and hopes away.
It vacuums the heart and makes it meaningless to do anything about it.
Numbness would be the only feeling left and the heart would feel no more.
So now, let the heart convince the mind that there is nothing here for me anymore.

Hands still shaking

I don’t know what prompt me to look through the photos

I thought I was going to be fine

Or though I am
fine.

Panting breathlessly as I just sit here

Silence, with the picture of you and I.

Mere movements of images in it.

Reminded me of the pain.

Pause, ponder upon the past.

I know blaming you for the hurt was wrong.

Yes, the problem lies in me too.

All that love leaves me with is fear.

Maybe things might be better if I did pack my bags that other day.
Fly off to another place and time where my heart longs for.
Maybe that would ease the hurt that I’ve held for so long.
Away from the trauma of waking up to the irony of it all.

Deception, STOP following me.
I just want to run…
Run from the truth, everything and everyone else.

The cut in my heart, the blood on my hands.
I’ve earn it all. My doings. My faults.
Regrets, I have too many

When would I learn to let go?
When would I stop blaming others and myself for my fate?
The ego that I had detained within,
Will it be my weakness forever?

The consequences of my mistakes,
Even ’sorry’ would never be enough to obtain forgiveness.
Foolishness of the past, will always linger.

You really make me wonder.
If there’s something that you had been hiding.
Something dark that you are ashamed to disclose.
Why the pragmatic self?
And the reason for your action is?
Have you been allowing your heart to turn cold?
I feel the tense around us.
Doesn’t tears help lighten the pain?
Why the anger, frustration and depress thoughts?
I see bitterness; it overwhelmed you, didn’t it?
Why not speak it out?
Have you lost faith in those around you and even yourself?
Please don’t pretend to be all-so-strong. You know you aren’t!

Just when I though emotions gave up on me
And feelings fail me
I am proven guilty.

Saying I did not miss you seems so wrong.
As I look out from the glass window,
My reflection, right next to you
We touch. Almost.

That same brown jacket you wear
That had the smell I am almost too fond of.
It reminds me of the warm feeling of your embrace.
Was it just yesterday that you held me close to you?
Whispering to me, reminding me of how much you love me.

Hold on. Am I losing you?
Or it was I, which dare not face the fact that I can’t call you mine anymore.
My hands feel so cold now. The words fade away swiftly. You seem too far away.

Saying that I do miss you seems too awkward.
As I look out from the glass window.
Gazing at each move you make.
You stayed in my sight for only a minute or two,
Yet, I have to admit that I could feel a little again,
Having those memories we shared deep within me brings me to another day of deception.
To another level of feelings that I, myself can not be sure if I would survive any longer.

Played in fire,
Pushed the limitations,

Bend

all rules,
Flirt with love.
Done it all.
Still, what’s left of me?
A bitter soul abandon outside alone.
Cold…
Just so cold…
Sour, pain, depress, a sadist in a whole.

Looking around for a hope,
A tiny hope.
Bullshit. What’s hope left?
T.R.U.E. L.O.V.E. is 8 letters, so is BULLSHIT.

Lies. The truths are lies because we cannot accept reality.

Being over everything doesn’t mean that I can forget & that the memories doesn’t haunt me.

It doesn’t mean that your existence didn’t change me & your disappearance didn’t destroy me.

Last day of the rest of my life
I wish I would've known
Cause I didn't kiss my mama goodbye

I didn't tell her that I loved her and how much I care
Or thank my pops for all the talks
And all the wisdom he shared

Unaware, I just did what I always do
Everyday, the same routine
Before I skate off to school

But who knew that this day wasn't like the rest
Instead of taking a test
I took two to the chest

Call me blind, but I didn't see it coming
Everybody was running
But I couldn't hear nothing

Except gun blasts, it happened so fast
I don't really know this kid
Even though I sit by him in class

Maybe this kid was reaching out for love
Or maybe for a moment
He forgot who he was
Or maybe this kid just wanted to be hugged
Whatever it was
I know it's because

[chorus:]
We are, We are, the youth of the nation

Little Suzy, she was only twelve
She was given the world
With every chance to excel

Hang with the boys and hear the stories they tell
She might act kind of proud
But no respect for herself

She finds love in all the wrong places
The same situations
Just different faces

Changed up her pace since her daddy left her
Too bad he never told her
She deserved much better

Johnny boy always played the fool
He broke all the rules
So you would think he was cool

He was never really one of the guys
No matter how hard he tried
Often thought of suicide

It's kind of hard when you ain't got no friends
He put his life to an end
They might remember him then

You cross the line and there's no turning back
Told the world how he felt
With the sound of a gat

[chorus]

Who's to blame for the lives that tragedies claim
No matter what you say
It don't take away the pain

That I feel inside, I'm tired of all the lies
Don't nobody know why
It's the blind leading the blind

I guess that's the way the story goes
Will it ever make sense
Somebody's got to know

There's got to be more to life than this
There's got to be more to everything
I thought exists

[chorus]

Behind your smile, I could see sadness.

It’s the broken heart, isn’t it?

Or a love so deep and strong that’s just waiting to unleash itself.

Behind your eyes, I could see a spark of hope.

Something that you try to kill,

Yet, you still hold on to it so badly.

You try to hide your irony, I could see through it all.             

Looking for a little more bliss and luck in love, aren’t you?

Be strong, I know you’ll one day find the fated one.